|My name is Alexis and before you judge me and write me off as a horrible person, know that I try. I try to be enough, I try to be okay, I try to perfect, but it's impossible if no one is willing to even accept me how I am or look past all the broken shards to the little red flower that acts as my hope. Don't judge, I know who I am and who I should be, so all your words do is hurt.|
I miss being 110 pounds. Like really miss it. Like really. Why did I let myself go so badly?
There’s this one memory that won’t stop replaying, because its the exact moment I knew I had an eating disorder and ever since I acknowledged it, it’s slowly been fading away.
I was walking into the kitchen, with a big shirt on, because I heard the door to my house open and it’s easier to go to through the kitchen to see who’s there. It was my aunt and I can’t tell you what we were talking about but mid sentence she said ‘wow, you’ve really trimmed down’ and of course that made me happy so later on I ran to my mirror and counted my ribs and stuck out my hip bones and felt perfect but while I was doing that another part of me was saying I was too skinny and that my curves were beautiful. I still have that little voice inside of me telling me that 141 lbs is a decent weight for my height but I’m tires of being this big, even if it is healthy.
I feel our of place at school, I feel like I don’t have an image, like people think of Alex and see a generic face. I don’t want that. I used to be the tiny theatre girl who enjoyed music and just likes to love, now I’m the quitter who gained 30 pounds and drinks and smokes too much. I’m tired of that.
And the sadder part is I know exactly why I’m like this. I started hanging out with a misfit and everything went downhill for me.
I really miss being 110 pounds.
I’ll fix it. I promise. I’ve cried to much tonight not to get better.
Okay guys, I need your help. You see, I made an Instagram recently but barely have followers soooo
FOLLOW ME ON INSTAGRAM
Okay? I’m also very curious as to what some of my followers look like ;D
CW: 132 lbs
Net intake for today: 110 cals
I really don’t feel like posting much, my ears are ringing and my body hurts and I’m literally about to die from exhaustion and fatigue. Oh well. It’ll be worth it in six weeks.
On a happier note, I need new texting buddies!! Just leave your name and number in my ask and I’ll make sure to give you a try. I’m kind of weird. You’ll see.
But anyways, I’m off to my dream world for the rest of the night. Till next time my lovelies.
Story of My Life
Okay, so my friends are not aware that I have diagnosed with bulimia, or that I struggle with eating disorders which means they also do not know about my Tumblr. The mystery around my tumblr drives a few of my friends crazy, and they’ve guessed it correctly a few times but I always told them they were crazy.
Now lets backtrack a bit. In 9th grade I lost A LOT of weight. In fact I got down to 115, the thinnest I’ve ever been, and my friends noticed. One day I didn’t go to school because I fainted. My friends found out why I missed school and joked around about me being anorexic, and with my BMI, I was.
So back to the present. The topic of my tumblr came up and one of my guy friends said ‘Oh god. I bet you’re one of those girls who’ll eat a pea then throw it up because it has to many calories.’ to which another friend replied ‘No, she’s to thick to do that.’
I can not tell you the sinking feeling I had in my stomach. My vision went black around the edges and I had to sit down and they bashed on eating disorders and how ‘attention seeking’ and ‘bullshit’ they are.
The rest of the day I couldn’t even focus. I was barely breathing because I was light headed and I teared up to many times to count.
If only they could know just how much they triggered me.
I was going to allow myself 250 calories for dinner, but all I’m having now is a cup of coffee, with Splenda and 2% skim milk and three saltine crackers. And I think I’m going to fast tomorrow, just so I won’t be ‘thick’ anymore.
It scares me, because I’m not sure anymore if I really am that big, or if I have a Body Dysmorphic Disorder.
I have a cold. My boyfriend gave it to me.
Anyways, was allowed some cals today so I had peach-mango tea with 3 teaspoons of sugar and a drop of honey.
It was amazing
That conscious shift in thought when you become determined to lose the weight.
I’ll be fasting Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays. Any other day I’m allowing myself 300 calories max but I’m going to aim for 150.
I will be thin for the new year. Mark my words.
- the person i like and why i like them.
- a famous person i’ve been compared to.
- 5 things that irritate me about the same sex/opposite sex.
- the best thing that has happened to me this week.
- weird things i do when i’m alone.
- how i’d spend ten thousand bucks.
- things i like and things i don’t like about the way i look.
- my last night out in detail.
- something that makes me sad when i think about it.
- something i’ve lied about.
- would i rather be stranded on a desert island with someone i love for ten years or someone i hate for a month? explain why.
- something i’m currently worrying about.
- one person from tumblr i’d throw off a cliff, one i’d marry and one i’d fuck.
- something i do without realising.
- lyrics that apply to my current situation/mood.
- a drunken story.
- something i regret.
- post a picture of myself.
- my longest relationship and who it was with.
- press ctrl v and post.
- post a bit of my last IM convo.
- 5 things i want to change.
- my view on being tumblr famous.
- someone i’d like to be for a day and why.
- 5 things within touching distance.
- story of my first kiss.
I wonder if people would want to know this stuff about me? Idk but its worth a shot. Please?
Please Ask!! I need something to take my mind off of calorie counting.
The ringing in your eats after not eating for a week.
The head rushes when you stand up.
The satisfaction of less weight on your bathroom scale every morning.