|My name is Alexis and before you judge me and write me off as a horrible person, know that I try. I try to be enough, I try to be okay, I try to perfect, but it's impossible if no one is willing to even accept me how I am or look past all the broken shards to the little red flower that acts as my hope. Don't judge, I know who I am and who I should be, so all your words do is hurt.|
It scares me, because I’m not sure anymore if I really am that big, or if I have a Body Dysmorphic Disorder.
I have a cold. My boyfriend gave it to me.
Anyways, was allowed some cals today so I had peach-mango tea with 3 teaspoons of sugar and a drop of honey.
It was amazing
That conscious shift in thought when you become determined to lose the weight.
I’ll be fasting Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays. Any other day I’m allowing myself 300 calories max but I’m going to aim for 150.
I will be thin for the new year. Mark my words.
CW: 130 lbs.
GW: 110 lbs.
UGW: 99 lbs.
I know I haven’t been on in a while and in truth it was because I was trying to “recover” but it never really worked. I was eating normally but there was that little voice in my head that told me I was fat and disgusting (which I am) and that the reason my crush doesn’t like me is because I’m fatter than him.
I’ve been fasting since Monday though I have had a few slip ups with Chinese food, but this weekend has been amazing. I will lose these last 31 lbs.
I’ sorry that I abandoned you guys for a while, and for the followers that stayed, thank you. You won’t regret it.
At this Friday’s weigh in I want to be at 128 lbs at the most but I’m pushing for 126 lbs.
I can do this.
Until next time my lovelies.
I like thigh gaps and I can not lie.
Fat girls will obviously deny,
The beauty and grace of an angular face,
So untill then I’ll starve till I die.
Okay, so I haven’t been updating much recently (partially due to the lack of internet and my phone) and the lack of thinspo really threw me off track. Like REALLY* off track. I gained
five SIX pounds. Ugh.
Half of me is disgusted by food and the other half wants it so badly and the past week I’ve given into the fat half of me.
But it’s okay. I was beating myself up over it and almost relasped into cutting but last week is gone and as of yesterday I’m back on track and what better way to do that then with a nice fast?
June 11, 2012
Dinner- Handful of half blue berries half dark chocolate almonds (about 90) and Water
June 12, 2012
Lunch- Coke Vanilla Zero
And for dinner I’m planning on Water (:
I didn’t exercise yesterday becuase I was feeling super dizzy but today i’m doing 30 minutes of stairs, all the jumping jacks, crunches, and squats I can do, and dancing to Lady GaGa because she is my ultimate thinspo and I have to tune up my body for the ballet classes I’m starting in a few weeks.
Ask me anything, I need the motivation <3
Dinner- 1 cup light southwestern soup (50)
Snacks- handful of dark chocolate, almond, granola cereal (20)
1 coke zero cherry (0)
Total intake- 70 cals
Yay!! I controlled myself today. I felt like binging but I took a nap then woke up, ate, and worked out. I ran my stairs for 15 minutes then did 85 crunches, 100 jumping jacks, countless squats, and some tricep curls with 5 pound weights.
Now for the fun stuff. I weighed myself today and felt on top of the world because I was 123, the lowest I’ve been in a while. My cruise is in a little less than 90 days so I have plenty of time to lose those last 24 pounds. I’m so exited :) My hip gap ( the gap between your stomach and undies or pants made by protruding hip bones) is definitely noticeable and getting larger and my collar bones are one of my most prized possessions. Maybe I’ll post pics later.
Now the not so fun stuff. I’ve noticed my veins darkening significantly and my back and head hurts constantly, any advice for this? Yes I drink lots of water and yes I take vitamins. I even take an iron pill because I am anemic and have been for a very long time.
Anyways, today was a good day besides that headache and I hope tomorrow will be even better, I’m aiming for less then 100 again, so I could be 120 by the end of the week.
P.S- My workout routine is getting tired, any creative new exercises you care to share? Thank you.
Today wasn’t that bad. I did mini binge on pretzel thins and fruit though. Oh well. At least it wasnt those Oreos my mom just got ;)
Breakfast: Cup of tea (0)
1 teaspoon of light brown sugar (15)
Splash of vanilla extract (0)
Lunch: Water (0)
Dinner: 1 cup of arugula and spinach mix (10)
Tofu patty sliced (80)
Russian dressing (30)
Snacks: 3 paper thin honey dew slices (15)
10 pretzel thins (100)
Handful of organic cereal (25)
That number is kind of high, I’m aiming for less than 100 tomorrow, every calorie over is ten reps of an exercise out of my exercise jar.