|My name is Alexis and before you judge me and write me off as a horrible person, know that I try. I try to be enough, I try to be okay, I try to perfect, but it's impossible if no one is willing to even accept me how I am or look past all the broken shards to the little red flower that acts as my hope. Don't judge, I know who I am and who I should be, so all your words do is hurt.|
I miss being 110 pounds. Like really miss it. Like really. Why did I let myself go so badly?
There’s this one memory that won’t stop replaying, because its the exact moment I knew I had an eating disorder and ever since I acknowledged it, it’s slowly been fading away.
I was walking into the kitchen, with a big shirt on, because I heard the door to my house open and it’s easier to go to through the kitchen to see who’s there. It was my aunt and I can’t tell you what we were talking about but mid sentence she said ‘wow, you’ve really trimmed down’ and of course that made me happy so later on I ran to my mirror and counted my ribs and stuck out my hip bones and felt perfect but while I was doing that another part of me was saying I was too skinny and that my curves were beautiful. I still have that little voice inside of me telling me that 141 lbs is a decent weight for my height but I’m tires of being this big, even if it is healthy.
I feel our of place at school, I feel like I don’t have an image, like people think of Alex and see a generic face. I don’t want that. I used to be the tiny theatre girl who enjoyed music and just likes to love, now I’m the quitter who gained 30 pounds and drinks and smokes too much. I’m tired of that.
And the sadder part is I know exactly why I’m like this. I started hanging out with a misfit and everything went downhill for me.
I really miss being 110 pounds.
I’ll fix it. I promise. I’ve cried to much tonight not to get better.
CW: 132 lbs
Net intake for today: 110 cals
I really don’t feel like posting much, my ears are ringing and my body hurts and I’m literally about to die from exhaustion and fatigue. Oh well. It’ll be worth it in six weeks.
On a happier note, I need new texting buddies!! Just leave your name and number in my ask and I’ll make sure to give you a try. I’m kind of weird. You’ll see.
But anyways, I’m off to my dream world for the rest of the night. Till next time my lovelies.
Story of My Life
Okay, so my friends are not aware that I have diagnosed with bulimia, or that I struggle with eating disorders which means they also do not know about my Tumblr. The mystery around my tumblr drives a few of my friends crazy, and they’ve guessed it correctly a few times but I always told them they were crazy.
Now lets backtrack a bit. In 9th grade I lost A LOT of weight. In fact I got down to 115, the thinnest I’ve ever been, and my friends noticed. One day I didn’t go to school because I fainted. My friends found out why I missed school and joked around about me being anorexic, and with my BMI, I was.
So back to the present. The topic of my tumblr came up and one of my guy friends said ‘Oh god. I bet you’re one of those girls who’ll eat a pea then throw it up because it has to many calories.’ to which another friend replied ‘No, she’s to thick to do that.’
I can not tell you the sinking feeling I had in my stomach. My vision went black around the edges and I had to sit down and they bashed on eating disorders and how ‘attention seeking’ and ‘bullshit’ they are.
The rest of the day I couldn’t even focus. I was barely breathing because I was light headed and I teared up to many times to count.
If only they could know just how much they triggered me.
I was going to allow myself 250 calories for dinner, but all I’m having now is a cup of coffee, with Splenda and 2% skim milk and three saltine crackers. And I think I’m going to fast tomorrow, just so I won’t be ‘thick’ anymore.
Wow. It’s been a while since I’ve actually posted about me.
GW: 99 lbs.
So, I haven’t really eaten anything since Friday besides a small plate of fries yesterday, and a bowl of noodles from Pei Wei (which I purged). I am incredibly light headed but that’s about it.
My winter break was rather horrible. I didn’t do much besides go shopping with my sister and a party on new years. But I did get mad at myself a lot and smoked just as much just to keep from cutting. It’s been about two weeks since I’ve cut, guys! I know you don’t care but it’s an accomplishment for me.
And I know that I’m under age but I’ve gotten pretty drunk almost every night for the past two weeks. I don’t really like alcohol, but my god it’s perfect for making yourself numb to the bullshit that’s going on around you. I understand now why people have drinking problems, but really people just drink to get away from their problems, and I never saw it like that before.
Well that’s about it, so until next time, my loves.
I hate this feeling. This feeling of not being good enough, and that everything I do isn’t enough, and that I’ll never be pretty enough, or skinny enough, or funny enough, or perfect enough for anybody.
And yet I still try.
the network of veins
hidden in your wrist.
you scream and cry,
and abondon your hopes
to find bliss.
I had to go to my therapist today.
I was diagnosed with Major Depressive Disorder and I’m scheduled for more testing next Thursday. Oh joy. I’m picking up my new prescription soon.
Anyway, It’s a Monday, so I’m fasting. I almost broke twice but I just
won’t can’t eat anymore. Like when the food is finally in my face I feel sick, and my stomach turns, ad everything smells wrong.
Haven’t eaten since Thanksgiving morning, and I’m starting to get really dizzy, but I’ll just sleep it off and maybe eat something small tomorrow. I have some pineapples, so that will do.
It scares me, because I’m not sure anymore if I really am that big, or if I have a Body Dysmorphic Disorder.